The One Where Marriage Isn't Just a Fairytale

You go to the wedding - well - you are the wedding. You wear pretty dresses and suits, eat yummy cake, dance the night away and enjoy the most glorious party event of your life. Then what? You have to somehow figure out how to work with each other. You have to figure out how to get through all the tough things in life with this person. Will they help or hinder your life? Ideally we will help and compliment each other's lives, but we have the rest of our lives together to figure all this out - - right? I mean, it is a union where "two are united into one. ... they are no longer two but one, let no one split apart what God has joined together." (Mark 10:8-9)

Nothing should be allowed to come between this union. Not even anger, resentment, selfishness, pride, or stubbornness. Nothing should split the two united souls apart. Sounds easy enough right? But what about when it's not easy? You both enter the union with ambitions and goals and a solid plan of working through anything thrown your way. The devil cannot win in any scheme that is tried to break apart the perfect pair.

I'm laughing because that's me and my husband in this photo and we have both admitted we've asked the same questions at some point in our relationship over the last "almost" 9 years of marriage - "why did I even get married" or "did I marry the wrong person". You know - the typical questions only the truly happily married and perfect couples ask. (Don't worry, he's also approved of this post)

The day comes, probably earlier on than you expect, when you have your first full blown and quite real fight. You are totally mature about it and believe you are the "right" one in the battle. You are so mature and brave that you don't even need to talk to your spouse, you clam up, you shut down, you decide "fine - I'll just move downstairs and live there." I mean that's REAL maturity on a very deep level. I'm seriously laughing so hard at myself here. Yes - this was me. I'm proud to say I've come a "little" further in my maturity level than this - though probably not much. And he is thinking - "how can she be sooo stubborn, she must know I'm right and my anger is justified in this." So here we have a situation where rather than talking through it, we both hear and listen to the devil's lies in the situation. We let the devil bring darkness, anger, bitterness and resentment into our relationship and bricks are laid. Emotional roadblocks. Disconnects. Walls. Discouragement and outright disaster. I honestly can't even remember what the fight was even about - only how we acted in it and through it. Our relationship maturity shined.

After a few of these cycles early on, we had to make an intentional commitment that our marriage was eternal and no matter what, we would get through it. Splitting up would never be an option. We'd have to figure it out. Don't get me wrong, most days were good. We actually get along quite scarily well. We do sincerely compliment each other in personality and in our lives. Even the happiest couples fight. We had to learn how to get through disagreements. God had started something in our paths and in our lives together and the devil was full-force trying to get between us with those fights. They really were few and far between but anger and stubbornness don't go very well together in disagreements. Our relationship maturity needed time to grow up.

Fast-forward to about 5-6 years into our marriage. After a few more of those far-between fights, we discovered something. The devil was using us against each other. The thoughts he'd get into our heads in these small and very dumb disagreements were quite frankly ridiculous. We have talked this out more over the last year or two than ever before. It was a huge lifechanging discovery in our marriage. We discovered when these thoughts come in and trigger feelings, we need to stop and say "help" - it's a code word now. I need help through this. Things are going the wrong direction and we need help from each other. We need to stop and talk. We need to figure out what is truly going on. See, the truth is, when you bring things to light, the devil can't try to keep you in darkness because it's already been resolved. It's over. Bringing light to the darkness brings order to the chaos and brings the darkness to light. You break the cycle by bringing the issue to light and talking it out. Communication is a crazy useful key. We just didn't see it. We didn't realize how easy it was. Just talk more. In all truthfulness, it is harder than it sounds.

Here's the most recent example. We have been talking about taking on and leading an online Bible study group with our local church. About two weeks ago, I verbalized that when we do lead the online group, we should have the topic be on marriage. Ever since I verbalized that, we have been on each other's last nerves. You'd think we'd be good at seeing this and nipping it in the rear right away but we are still learning and maturing. Good thing God is so patient with us. We are usually good at working on projects together and enjoy projects. They are fun and we like seeing what we create in our environment with our own hands. We are working on transforming our house to look more like a log-cabin interior and the last couple weeks have been a nightmare. Every little thing was driving both of us bonkers with each other. Little dumb stuff you know? I was getting so annoyed, and I know he was too. I briefly wondered how bad it would really be to shoot him with the nail gun. I'm also "certain" that thought came straight down from Heaven. Oh don't panic, I didn't do it nor would I really and it wouldn't have been a fatal shot anyways- just like, in the foot or something.

Finally, we stopped and looked at each other in realization and it's laughable really. We had talked about leading an online Bible study about marriage and boom! Our marriage is being tested. Yup - the devil is so obvious sometimes. We seriously should have seen it coming. We consider it confirmation that we are indeed on the right track with what God wants us to do and where God wants us to be. As SOON as we started talking about it and brought it to light, you could feel the pressure lift. You could physically feel the release. Your time is up devil, get out.

Every time this type of situation happens, we get a little better at it. Practicing God's principles and lessons He gives you has to become intentional. It takes effort, realization and work. You have to stop and think about what's going on and where it's coming from and humbly take U-turns whenever and wherever needed. What is going on in your brain and who is putting it there? Is it a positive thought or negative? If it is negative, I promise it did not come from God. You might have to holler out for "help" to straighten it out. Making sure you keep Jesus at the center of your lives and marriages certainly helps things a ton. I, personally, wouldn't want it any other way. Without Jesus, I'm just a huge mess and I wouldn't want that for anyone.

Another thing we've noticed as we put this newly found principle of marriage into practice is that God is also working in us individually as He works with us together. When we release everything to God, talk about things together and keep God the center of our universe, God is also softening the stubbornness and calming the anger. More and more peace, love, and joy fill our marriage than ever before.

1 Cor 13: 4- "Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance."