The One Where I'm Not Good Enough

I don't remember much from my childhood but I do remember a small handful of some moments. One I remember vividly and it never occurred to me why until recently. I remember being in Kindergarten or 1st grade - the exact year in school is fuzzy but it was when they still used "N's" as grades. I remember my aunt coming over and looking at it - - she saw my "N". "N's" meant "Needs Improvement". She didn't truly mean harm in what she said. I don't remember her exact words, but she said something that meant things would being taken away from me now. It obviously wasn't the words she used, but rather the effect they had on my soul - how they made me feel. I received a very clear message that day. I no longer deserved to have things. I wasn't good enough. I now realize that was one of the first seeds of the enemy. The first of many seeds were being planted in the soils of my soul. I didn't achieve perfection. I wasn't measuring up. I wasn't good and couldn't be good enough unless I worked harder and strived for perfection.

The devil has a goal to make us feel unworthy - get in our heads and make us believe we are not good enough. He likes to make us feel isolated and try get us to not only live isolated lives, but to also feel all alone. The real truth is God created us for community, not isolation.

This wasn't the only "not good enough" seed the devil planted in my soul. There were several others along the way, this is just the first one I actually remember in childhood. I constantly felt the need to achieve, the need to be accomplished, and the need to get things right every time. Failures to me meant I was failing as a human. I wasn't worth anything and could never accomplish anything in life because - - I wasn't good enough to do anything right.

Eventually I ended up enduring a 5 year eating disorder. (The One Where Food Became Terrifying) Struggling through an eating disorder didn't help stop my "not good enough seed" - in fact, it watered it and helped it grow even stronger. Not only was I trying to out-work tasks to perfection, I was trying to shrink my body down to be small enough so no one would notice me and how awful and unworthy I was as a human being.

Add boys to the mix of an unstable, insecure, emotionally unbalanced teen in the later years of that 5 year eating disorder just to mix it up a little bit. That's a recipe for disaster. I was shy and scared of people, but I still had a deep down desire to be accepted and to be...well...good enough. Isn't that what the enemy makes us think we are supposed to work so hard to be achieving? The goal is to get the most "likes" right?

A few boyfriends and rejections later, I was not only not good enough, now I was also unlovable. Ultimately, this combination led to the lowest point of my late teen years. I was so confused, lonely, and lost. Have you ever felt totally confused, lonely, and lost in life? Isolated? Here's a hint, if you feel all alone, it's the enemy working to chain up your life. Find the people God placed in front of your face and talk to them. Be open, be vulnerable, and be honest. We are not meant to go through the struggles of this life alone. It's been that way from day one - God puts us with people. Our people. It's ok to be transparent with your people. You should be transparent with your people. After some practice, it even feels good to be transparent with your people.

Genesis 2:18 "Then the Lord God said, 'It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper who is just right for him.'"

Genesis 1:28 "Then God blessed them and said, 'Be fruitful and multiply. Fill the earth and govern it. Reign over the fish in the sea, the birds in the sky, and all the animals that scurry along the ground.'"

God created community. Right from the VERY beginning of the earth. God wants us with our people in our lives. We were not meant to be alone. The devil wants to isolate us and make us think we are alone. It is a lie. Reach out if you are struggling. If you truly don't think you have anyone to talk to, there are counselors and psychologists who are happy to help people. It's what God gifted them to do on this earth and most of them are pretty good at it. We all need help at times. Every single one of us. We were not meant to go through life struggles alone no matter who you are. We simply were not created to live through life alone.

I should have reached out and been transparent in the struggles I was facing in this time of my life. I was living with one of my best friends for goodness sakes! I was being sucked into all the lies the devil was throwing my way. The "not good enough" seed had turned into a tree and also spread and created a "not lovable" tree to grow right alongside it. The trees of being unworthy and unlovable were not only growing stronger, they were taking over my entire being.

I was slowly giving in to the lies and giving up on life. One evening when I was really struggling with the thoughts in my head, I decided to end life altogether instead of reaching out for the help I truly needed. I was not planning on waking up the next morning. If you are struggling, please seek help, please. Always seek help. You're life is worth it, even if you can't see it just yet. Reach out and hang on. You are loved. You are cherished. You are valuable.

I did wake up the next morning. You see, God had other plans for my life. God's plans were greater than my own, they always are. When my eyes started to flutter open, I felt a warm peace flood my room. I smelt a sweetness in the air. I heard God plain as day say "I am with you. I am here. I love you. You are mine. Trust in me." I felt a heavy pressure around my whole body and felt Jesus wrap His arms around me with the scars on his hands holding me tight. I stayed in that room for most of the day. I cried...I prayed...I broke. Eventually - I even showered.

Jesus showed me value in my life I wasn't able to see because the devil had blinded me so badly. Jesus showed me how much my life really meant. Jesus showed me he had a purpose for my life, I just didn't quite know what it was yet. I would still have more struggles and bad decisions to get through. I would still make bad choices and fail. (I still do.) I would still be human. But that is ok. God has me.

That's the key. When you finally realize that you do NOT have to be good enough. You do NOT have to measure up. In fact, you are not supposed to be good enough. Jesus is your good enough. God is holding the entire universe up and He also has your life in His hands. God - the One who holds the whole universe also holds you. What I am is what God made me to be. We cannot be perfect. Jesus was the only perfect human because He was God in human form while on Earth. Why do we keep believing we are supposed to achieve perfection? Why do we keep falling for the devil's lies? We aren't supposed to measure up. God uses our imperfections. God uses our short-comings. God uses our human nature to reach others. God shines through our holes. If we didn't have holes, how could God shine through us to others?

Perspective makes a huge difference. Realize your worth and your value in Jesus. Trying to measure up to everyone else's standards in life almost took mine. The only one that matters is Jesus and He thinks you are pretty amazing just as you are. Just as you were created to be. Realize your God-given talents and use them. Focus on them. We all have imperfections. Our imperfections are what amplify God. Accepting my imperfections and releasing the "I'm not good enough" while realizing I'm not SUPPOSED to be good enough was the most freeing revelation God ever showed me. Changing my perspective on how I view myself to see how God views me released me from the chains of being afraid I won't measure up. It released me from being afraid to make a mistake. It released me from being afraid of people. (Yes, I was terrified of y'all for most of my life.) It pulled those trees of being unworthy and unlovable up right from their roots. It destroyed them.

The other thing God showed me is to keep moving forward in faith and not look backward in shame. Dwelling on what's behind us just holds us back to what God wants to do ahead. Jesus took any shame I would carry to the cross with Him. He took our "not good enough" and made it gloriously good enough through Him. Jesus doesn't focus on our failures, he sees our restoration. He gives us everything we ever need to move forward with Him. Our mistakes become a part of His masterpiece. Our lives matter to God. Our lives have purpose. We weren't created to be enough on our own - we are human - Jesus is enough for us and through us.

Ephesians 2:8-10 "God saved you by his grace when you believed. And you can't take credit for this; it is a gift from God. Salvation is not a reward for the good things we have done, so none of us can boast about it. For we are God's masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago."

When the devil tries to come into your mind with lies, captures those thoughts with God's Word and destroy them.

Philippians 4:8 gives us a pretty solid list of things to think on daily - especially when the enemy tries to come into our minds with his lies.

Fix your thoughts on things that are true. God knows your name, he created you exactly how you are and you are an incredible person who belongs to God.

"But now, O Jacob, listen to the Lord who created you. O Israel, the one who formed you says, 'Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you. I have called you by name; you are mine.'" (Isaiah 43:1)

Fix your thoughts on things that are honorable. God is with us, guiding us, leading us, and is with us every step of our daily lives. God is our hope - especially on the hard days.

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' says the Lord, 'They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope." (Jeremiah 29:11)

Fix your thoughts on things that are right. God goes before us and is always with us. He will never abandon us no matter what mistakes we make along the way. He knows everything that is coming and will never let us down.

"Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord will personally go ahead of you. He will be with you; he will neither fail you nor abandon you." (Deuteronomy 31:8)

Fix your thoughts on things that are pure. You are a child of God. You are an heir of God. You are worthy. You are lovable. You are forgiven and your sins are completely forgotten as soon as you confess them to God. It's as though they never ever happened. God loves you because you are His son or daughter. Nothing you ever do can stop or change how much God loves you.

"For his Spirit joins with our spirit to affirm that we are God's children." (Romans 8:16)

Fix your thoughts on things that are lovely. You are valuable to God. Every complex detail of you. Even the quirky weird parts you may have. (I have lots!) You were designed purposefully, wonderfully, and perfectly how God wanted you to be. Perfectly Imperfect.

"You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother's womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous - how well I know it." (Psalms 139: 13-14)

Fix your thoughts on things that are admirable. There will be struggles and hardships in life. Sometimes it's just because of life itself other times it's the devil trying to get at us. This is Earth, not Heaven. Earth will have turmoil and struggles. We will have suffering and endure pains as well as joys. God knows everything we will have to get through and will be fighting for us through every single battle we endure. Keep fighting.

"But in that coming day no weapon turned against you will succeed. You will silence every voice raised up to accuse you. These benefits are enjoyed by the servants of the Lord; their vindication will come from me. I, the Lord, have spoken!" (Isaiah 54:17)

Fix your thoughts on things that are excellent. God will never fail us or abandon us. He is always with us. We can't sin enough to make Him stop loving us. We can't make enough mistakes for Him to stop loving us. He will forgive us every time and will never stop loving us. He will always be fighting for us. We are His.

"No one will be able to stand against you as long as you live. For I will be with you as I was with Moses. I will not fail you or abandon you." (Joshua 1:5)

Fix your thoughts on things that are praiseworthy. The same power that raised Jesus from the dead lives in me. God wants our hearts to be so full of His love, His Word, His passion, His power, His confidence, His hope, that nothing that comes our way will stand a chance of pulling us down.

"I pray that your hearts will be flooded with light so that you can understand the confident hope he has given to those he called - his holy people who are his rich and glorious inheritance. I also pray that you will understand the incredible greatness of God's power for us who believe Him. This is the same mighty power that raised Christ from the dead and seated Him in the place of honor at God's right hand in the heavenly realms." (Ephesians 1:18-20)

We are going to make mistakes in life. We are human. We are all worthy of love and acceptance for who we truly are. Confront the lies of the enemy. Exposing the struggles we are going through and the lies the enemy is trying to bombard us with brings them to light and demolishes them. Darkness can't exist in light. Being transparent, honest, and vulnerable brings mercy and freedom. Jesus died on the cross so we could be free. Don't let the enemy tie you down.

Proverbs 24:16 "The godly may trip seven times, but they will get up again. But one disaster is enough to overthrow the wicked."

God knows every detail of our lives. He knows the mistakes we'll make before we make them. He knows every fall we'll take. He also knows we'll get back up again - every time. He'll be right there giving us His hand as He pulls us out of the mucky waters we fall into. We are His children. He will never turn His back on us, let us down, or leave our side.

I am God's story - so are you. We are the story of God's glory and grace. God's story is never-ending. God's story is eternal. As long as you are still breathing, God is not done with your story. When you accept the gift of Jesus' sacrifice on the cross, you become a brand new person. You become whole. The perfection of Jesus overshadows your imperfections. You are not worthless. You are loved. You are cherished. You are valued. The cross has the final word and it says you are holy in Christ.

2 Corinthians 5:17 "This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!"

Realizing that I am supposed to be imperfect, that I'm not supposed to be good enough, that I need to stop striving for perfection, that I need to stop hiding from my short-comings, and stop being afraid of failing was the biggest breakthrough of my life. Truly knowing this terrifies the devil. Once you know this deep in your soul, he can't get you to fall for his lies anymore. He can't trap you and bind you up from the inside anymore. Accepting my imperfections and knowing that I am going to make mistakes in my relationships and in life has been a huge release. I have made mistakes as a mother. I have made mistakes as a wife. I have made mistakes as an employee. I have made mistakes as a friend. The list goes on and on. And you know what? I will again. I really believe that's why Jesus puts so much emphasis on love, forgiveness, and helping each other. There is no limit to the amount of times we are supposed to forgive each other. (Matthew 18:21-22) I know I am going to mess up over and over again. I also know I am going to praise Jesus for having me and holding me through each and every time. My only desire in life is to continue failing forward every day with Jesus by my side and the Holy Spirit guiding my soul.