The One Where Food Became Terrifying

Back in my early teens I was hit really hard with a disorder. A full blown eating disorder. I could not and did not want anything to do with food. Food become down-right terrifying to me over time. It didn't start out that way, it was a slow progression - one step further down the rabbit hole at a time. The seeds of not being good enough, feeling worthless and that I had no value here on earth were planted at a very young age in my mind. When you read all the "help me" guides and articles about eating disorders, they all talk about control. You don't have control over your life so this is the one thing you can feel you have control of when everything else feels out of control. It really wasn't like that for me. Which confused me more in my journey. I didn't want to control anything. I simply just wanted to disappear and if I made myself small enough, I thought I would be able to hide easier.

Let me back up and start at the beginning of what I remember. First of all, peers can be cruel and unforgiving. In middle school I was awkward just like everyone else. Let's say I was not in the "upper" economical-social groups that everyone looked up to. Don't get me wrong, I had really good friends but there was a "higher" class group and a "lower" class group and at that age, there was a pretty strong divide between the two. I didn't do too terrible in spite of the socio-economic divide though. I mean, I was a cheerleader and liked by many. That wasn't what my mind magnified though. Remember those seeds of not being valued or worth anything? I felt like I was never, and would never, be good enough. I was the leftovers. The person that others looked past and through rather than at. The tipping point that launched me down the hole further? It will sound insignificant, but to me it was catastrophic. I remember being teased because my shoes were the cheap knock offs to those fancy kickers all the rich kids had. That wouldn't have been so bad, but it was when I was teased about these shoes that makes the memory stick so vitally.

It was in choir class. I had FINALLY gotten the courage to step forth and tryout for a solo. This was huge for me since the desire to hide from the world was already creeping in to my inner core. The whole class was just as shocked as I was. I was in the middle of singing my little ole' heart out when something caught the corner of my eye. I glanced over to see a fellow "upper class" peer pointing at my shoes and laughing with the one next to him. Needless to say I lost my singing ambition and slowly put the mic down and went as far back to the back corner of the class as I could. The teacher was compassionate and said "thank you - that was nice" - umm yeah - sure, but thanks. I wanted nothing more than to run out of that school and never return.

That moment right there plummeted me into my journey of wanting to hide from the world and everyone in it. I started really listening to the lies the devil started tossing my way. This was only the beginning of tragic events that would further unfold in my life that would continue to feed these lies. The devil had a plan. Lies of being worthless. I thought I had no value and there was no point of existing on this earth. Lies of being unlovable. I truly thought no one in the entire world would ever sink low enough to my level to ever find me lovable or worthy of love. I was a doormat - someone you walked over, not someone you acknowledged and considered valuable. I believed I was nothing that mattered to anyone. A mere blimp floating through the world. Now I was a Christian and believed in God with all my heart by this age. Yet still, the devil hooked me and sunk me. He used the circumstances and situations that happened throughout my teen years to continually pull me further into the hole. A small wormhole was started but it grew into a giant cannon over time.

Let me stop here and tell you that if you are struggling with any issues like this or anything similar, please reach out to someone and get help. The devil may be telling you that you are not lovable and not worthy; please believe when I say that is NOT true. You are loved by many and you don't even realize it. Most importantly - God loves YOU soooo much and wants you to see yourself how He made you and all the great things He has instilled in you for your time on this earth. God wants the blinders not only ripped off but shattered to bits so you can see yourself how HE sees you. How gloriously and wonderfully He made you for this time and He will guide you to your true purpose on earth if you listen to Him and let Him. There are people that God has placed in your life that can help you and want to help you if you let them. Please let them. You are loved, you have value and you are worthy and accepted just as you are and in every way that you are.

Ok - carrying on to my journey with this particular struggle. So my eyes, mind, and heart were on a detour. A huge detour. I was falling into the cannon. God was in my heart and the Holy Spirit was with me, but I couldn't see it. By believing the devil's lies he continually fed into my mind, I had allowed a disconnect in myself from God. I lost my focus on Jesus. I took a wrong turn. I just wanted to continue to hide and hide even better. It started with not eating anything unhealthy. I would research and only eat the best, most nutritious foods. Listen, healthy food is expensive. Well, I was determined to lose weight so I could hide from the world. That was my solution. If you are only eating the "healthy" foods out of limited options, you are going to start to shrink. Seeing the results I wanted to see only encouraged the unhealthy pattern that was starting even more. It became an obsession and the focus of my life. Instead of being passionate about Jesus, I became passionate about my appearance and making it shrink. The truth of the matter is, Jesus was still with me, holding me every day, with his scarred hands wrapped tightly around me. I just didn't realize it.

"Junk" food became the enemy. Carbs became evil monsters that were set out to destroy me. I thought it was working, I was starting to hide even better behind the cloud of confusion the devil had thrown my way. I picked up a job at the local Dairy Queen so that became another safe hiding place. I'd work SO many hours. I was working with food pretty much every minute I could when not in school so no one seemed to notice I wasn't actually eating any of it. Another traumatic experience hit in my later teens which only spiraled me into the huge cannon even worse. I began believing my body was just an object for boys to do what they wanted with, that I was unworthy of respect or true love from any other human in the world. This is an entirely different story we'll talk about later but it pushed me deeper into the cannon. I quickly believed another lie from the devil. I was falling for his plan and I wasn't making it very hard for him. The truth is our bodies belong to God and we are all precious to Him. He wants love, peace and joy for our bodies and our lives, not harm and destruction. That's not what this story is about though so I'll just leave it at that for now.

1 Corinthians 6:19-20 "Don't you realize that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, who lives in you and was given to you by God? You do not belong to yourself, for God bought you with a high price. So you must honor God with your body."

I had gotten to the point of really only drinking a LOT of water and eating dry lettuce, veggies, and an occasional fruit choice here and there. I sincerely and truly became afraid of food. The thought of eating anything not on my "list", which was quite small, completely terrified me. Needless to say my friends became concerned and started to speak up. Rightfully so, I was 5' 5" and a mere 73 pounds. My friends had gone to the school counselor and the school counselor confronted me. They did the right thing I just didn't see it that way in that moment. I was outright found regardless of all my attempts at hiding. I panicked and immediately believed I needed to bail this place. I was mostly scared they'd try to make me eat things I had grown completely terrified of. In my mind I was successfully hiding but in reality, I was standing out more and more as being extremely ill. I started getting weird bruises on my legs and arms which were noticed in gym class. Those are impossible to hide. Clearly my body was starting to negatively react to this long term hideout I had created. I was at the top of my class academically but not socially. I was not thriving socially in high school at all. I had went from "the girl with the ugly shoes" to "the girl with the eating disorder".

By the end of 10th grade, I convinced the school counselor to let me start taking post secondary classes at the local community college. I needed to get out of there. Fear was gripping me and all I could think about was getting out of this place. I got the green light and ended up taking ONLY college classes by 11th grade which also counted towards my high school credits so I did not have to go to the high school at all any longer. Little did I know, God also had a plan.

Zephaniah 3:17 "For the Lord your God is living among you. He is a mighty Savior. He will take delight in you with gladness. With His love, He will calm all your fears. He will rejoice over you with joyful songs."

I did thrive much better in the college environment. No one knew me there. It was easier to hide. I could relax a little. I didn't expect to make new friends there. I didn't expect for people to like me for me. Don't get me wrong, I had really nice, kind-hearted and truly good friends in high school as well. I just couldn't see anything past all the teasing and turmoil I was struggling with within myself there from the other "groups". I took all the teasing and belittling to heart. College is different than high school in that way. Slowly without even realizing it, God was pulling me out of hiding. I didn't expect to enjoy the people around me as much as I did. I didn't expect to like going to dances and I definitely didn't expect to be nominated for homecoming queen. I truly didn't expect to like the college-high school as much as I did. I started to feel a "little" happy there. In a sense, I started to heal, only a little bit, but still - it was a step. The only thing that could truly heal and break the cycle stirring inside me was the power of God, but this was a little step of hope. God was setting up the staircase to healing and recovery and I didn't even know it.

Colossians 3:2-4 "Think about the things of Heaven, not the things of earth. For you died to this life, and your real life is hidden with Christ in God. And when Christ, who is your life, is revealed to the whole world, you will share in all his Glory."

I intended to continue to hide in college, but I was accidentally pulled out of hiding little by little without realizing it was happening. If you are going to choose to hide anywhere, hiding with Christ is the best option. God pours out unconditional love, peace and a sense of completeness that it's simply unexplainable. God started putting pieces in place that would eventually bring restoration from this battle I was in. He was surrounding me with positive, accepting people who had a true zest for life. For the first time, I was starting to see that I was valued as a person, for who I was, not what I did or didn't look like. No one even cared what clothes or shoes I had there. It was wonderful. God was sending a fishing line into the cannon to pull me out. I started reaching for the line and over time, He successfully reeled me up and out of the hole I had willingly dived headfirst into.

1 Samuel 16:7 "But the Lord said to Samuel, "Don't judge by his appearance or height, for I have rejected him. The Lord doesn't see things the way you see them. People judge by outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart."

I started to remove my eyes from the world around me and focus back on God - back to where my eyes should have been glued in the first place before this rabbit-cannon hole detour. I started to truly heal from the heart on out. It doesn't happen over night and I still had so many unknown battles ahead, but it was the first steps. Submerging myself in God's love and God's word and encompassing the people God put in my path was the first steps towards becoming whole again. I had to learn how to eat again and that was a huge struggle in and of itself. I had not eating anything real in so many years. There was also the huge fear of food I had developed. Terrified. This had to be broken and my body needed a slow adjustment. By the time I graduated my high school-college I had actually reached 100 pounds. Triple digits. This was huge for me. JUST before graduation day. And I didn't even chug a gallon of water to make the scale appear higher. Life was looking good ahead and I was ready to take on whatever future was in store. But not without God's help and with Jesus by my side.

I'm so thankful God protected me from anything serious that could have happened to my body during that time in my life. I could have really done a lot of harm to my earthly body by not eating so long. I have to remember to eat now because I don't have true hunger cues. To this day I don't really feel hunger. I can't stomach huge portions at once. I do try to eat healthy because it's a good thing to do - especially at my age, but it's more of a balanced healthy. I do have a huge weakness for potato chips and chocolate. God protected me from anything else that could have come out from torturing my earthly body for so long. I'm so thankful for His healing and protective powers. Even in our worse struggles, God is always with us and holding us through it. Nothing can ever come close to comparing to God's love and compassion for us.

We never expect the roadblocks we face in life on earth - the set backs we feel and experience are bound to happen and I suspect that there will be many ahead. This is life on earth after all. With God's strength, I am happy to say I've made it through all of them but only because God was holding me through each crash and poor decision. When there is stress and anxiousness, God brings peace and joy. When there is sorrow and doubt, God brings peace and comfort. When there is chaos and disarray, God brings restoration. Where there are insecurities, God brings security. Through it all, God strengthens our spirits and brings us even closer to Him. Jesus and His scarred hands have held me through so many struggles and battles. I'm so thankful He keeps holding me and keeps bringing me through everything this life on earth throws my way. I'd be so completely lost without Him.